Can a company’s main headline be uplifted in 15 minutes or less?
This year my birthday giveaway let anyone on my mailing list nominate any company’s headline for some free TLC.
15 minutes’ worth, actually.
Here are some of the most interesting ones (yes, I’m biased).
First, Tulip.com with Jeff Epstein.
Tulip make software that high end retailers use to know everything, remember everything, and use everything about their clientele.
Jeff assures me that the audience will be very familiar with terms like ‘clienteling’ and ‘assisted selling’ (which is an e-comm thing).
Here’s the original version:
And my proposed one…
Tulip has a great tagline (Jeff invented it), Love is in Store, so I leaned into the love theme and brought the tagline to above the fold on the homepage.
###
Next, Water to Thrive
On another call, Carol Kaemmerer came with Water to Thrive’s website. They’re a non-profit that drills wells in Africa. She’s on the board.
(Because of its unyielding geography, drilling water wells in Africa is much harder than anyone in North America or Europe would assume.)
Here’s their original homepage:
And here’s the proposed version:
This version leans a bit stronger into the ultimate result, and calls out where the work is being done. For the sub-headline, it’s just a clean-up job to tighten the language and make it flow a bit better.
From Retail to Non-Profit to a Bible App
Dwell is Kyle Johnson’s client. It’s a paid app with voice actors reading the Bible and related texts. It’s designed to be a more immersive experience, plus sleep timers and lots of other features.
Here’s the original. Similar to Tulip above, Kyle confirmed that phrases like ‘read over you’ are understood and often used by the audience.
This one went through 2 iterations in 8 minutes. Starting with a very plain tightening-up and clearer value prop…
And then a richer experience…
amori.life with Su Park
Amori’s headline was interesting — it needs to convey both intimacy and time. It’s a personal message recording (and storage) service for people facing their own mortality.
I went with a much shorter headline than the original, 5 words instead of 8 and 7 syllables not 12. And used an alliterative present+past time reference in the middle, plus a little bit of urgency implied with ‘lifetime’ … as in a future the reader won’t see.
Original:
New:
